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(New) Years​-​-​PAY WHAT YOU WANT

by ellen cherry

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1.
I have written in my diary So you’ll know just what became of me My loneliness and desperation will be the stuff of history You have wandered off to fight the war And misdirect the call of canons roar You said to lead a man’s life, you must do more And I hate you for it. You have sent no words to reach my ears For what is now so many silent years No whisper on the wind, no twinkle of the stars to calm my fears I have worked my fingers down to bone To make for us a happy home And now my soft and secret heart has hardened into stone And I hate you for it. Last night I dreamed that you came back to me And we lived on and on so happily Before I woke you said to me: “darling, this will never be.” And I loved you for that.
2.
Things were better for me at the turn of the century. I didn’t know what I wanted, but the future loomed in front of me. The city shimmered with steam, with smoke and with mystery. We pretend we don’t know that Life’s an exercise in futility. There’s a dog whining in the next room. Might as well be me, howling at the moon. Because for all the effort I make, I still feel my sad heart break. I bow before concrete and steel with humility. I just want to ride the big wheel into the sky. I just want to feel like I could fly. Like everyone else here, I just want to buy my ticket! Behind the gates is the whole wide world. And everything is new to the eyes of this girl. Crystal clear water and bright city lights, Dancers with costumes that light up the night. Machines the crackle and sparkle with utility. I just want to ride the big wheel into the sky. I just want to feel like I could fly. Like everyone else here, I just want to buy my ticket! When I left my family, I knew that I could do better. Now all they have is some unreturned letters. This is the story of my liberty: A cog in the grinding gears of the city. A line in a novel 100 years from now—that’s what’s left of me. I just want to ride the big wheel into the sky. I just want to feel like I could fy. Like everyone else here, I just want to buy my ticket And ride the big wheel into the sky!
3.
A cold clear night, we’re full steam ahead We’ll stretch her legs on the ocean’s bed Nothing spared; not even the time We’re the jewel of the White Star Line And the steam burns on As the quartet plays a song And we all go down in the ocean Who would guess, we’d sink like a stone Out at sea, so many miles from home In disbelief, we queue for a boat The ship she sounds her dying note And the steam burns on As the quartet plays a song And we all go down in the ocean We say goodbye and we say our prayers We drift all night in the cold spring air And then we see in the bright clear dawn There’s nothing now: the ship, she’s gone And the steam burns on As the quartet plays a song And we all go down in the ocean
4.
There’s no happy ending So don’t be holding your breath Not a word worth defending Bury me with my regrets This life has worn me down But God won’t take me yet I gotta leave this town I’ve got to place my bets California, you seem like promised land You feed my children and you work my hands When I lay down to pay the final toll Take my body; leave my soul We ride the rails at night We beg for food all day My heart is hollow and my belly’s tight I’ve got no money left to pay California, you seem like promised land You feed my children and you work my hands When I lay down to pay the final toll Take my body; leave my soul There’s no happy ending So don’t be holding your breath Not a word worth defending Bury me with my regrets California, you seem like promised land You feed my children and you work my hands Every line that I wear upon my face You can see the sorrow of our human race California, you seem like promised land You feed my children and you work my hands When I lay down to pay the final toll Take my body; leave my soul
5.
Dusting, cleaning, meals with meaning Perfect pastries, nothing’s wasted Soon I will buy a machine That will predict sun or rain Soon I can erase my will By the swallow of a pill. Mopping, sewing, children growing Tasty pancakes, throbbing heartache Oh my, the coffee’s done! Here’s a cookie, won’t you have one? If I never squelched desire I might have set this house on fire. Waiting, waiting, how I’m aging. My perfection—self rejection. Though I might have had a dream The loss of it might make me scream We never ever have those thoughts Here inside the Music Box.
6.
Got a thistle in my cap and a bullet in my gut Just so you can see what I’m made of Lips and bones and knees and elbows Teeth I’ve barely cut Thank god I’ve got these hips like my mothers CHORUS: I press them down in my saddle and I ride I steel against my own self, I ride high Spent the summer getting dusty The sun peeled away my sadness I pushed on like the weather Work made leather of my vision And callused up my fingers I linger for worse, I’d hoped for better CHORUS BRIDGE: Dress me up, I don’t mind, I can be a paper doll for you But watch the wind, it can blind you, and that’s my cue My food, it isn’t free, I watch tv and read the magazines I see all that I’m supposed to be CHORUS
7.
Through the open window, I can see The great big swell of impossibility. But on my pillow, I can dream. In my pocket, my fingers feel the seams. I tell a secret to my hand, So that I can understand. When it hears the words I say, It answers back: “don’t despair, and don’t delay” I dreamt my body was an ear. I felt all the things I couldn’t hear. I made a word that wasn’t real. I was reversed; I was revealed. I tell a secret to my hand, So that I can understand. When it hears the words I say, It answers back: “don’t despair, and don’t delay”
8.
Behind my cloaked eyes, you’re still within me here. But when they open, you disappear. So still, the things I long for and the things I have are not the same. I could spend my nickels. I could spend my dimes. Just listening to your breathe away my time on the telephone. I see the things I long for and the things I have are not the same. My days, my nights--they are the same. Just a dream of you; just a long, lonely but still lovely dream of you. I dreamed the things I long for and the things I have are not the same.
9.
You don’t think of me at all. It’s naive to expect a call. How could you think that our love would grow, When all you ever said was “no”? It’s too hard to say the words. But you can see how much it hurts me. And now a year has left our lives and all I have is this guilt and those lies. “cause All you ever said was no All you ever said was no Now I know just what is true I should have said “no” when you asked me to. Soon our ties that bind will fade. The sad songs we have written will all be played. And now I’m selling everything. I even sold this melody. If you had asked me I’d have guessed That you wanted to say “yes” But how could I have known that all you’d ever say was “no”? ‘cause All you’d ever say was no All you’d ever say was no Now I know just what is true I should have said no when you asked me to.
10.
VERSE: I wear a window on my heart, So you can see right through. A single pane of glass that separates the valves and halves. It does not sever me from you. I put a seal upon my lips: A promise to be true; A reminder residue that preserves clues and other cues and The kiss I saved for you. CHORUS: It’s a knot that won’t untie The truth that doesn’t lie A tiny death we shared exactly the same time that brought us back to life. VERSE: I have a callous on my hand. You know the work I’ve done. An honest mark you see that protects the very heart of me and the battles I have won. CHORUS: This is skin that will not break A solemn sleep that will not wake An incandescence that never loses light I hope to dream of you tonight. VERSE: I wear a window on my heart So you can see right through. A single pane of glass that separates the valves and halves. It does not sever me from you.
11.
I spent the summer in my favorite blue dress. I’m so tired, but I’ve still got this moment to confess. I’m just one soul, but I worry in a global sense: Earthquakes and shootings and general uprootings, how can I help but feel helpless? Newspapers and television In my derision, I change the station. In my ears and in my eyes, I have too much information In my mind, I think: surely things will change. Surely things will change, because they cannot stay the same. This woman smiles at me, her lapel wisdom says “Pray. Pray Until Something Happens” But nobody wants to do, yet they want to blame and I think: surely things can change Surely things can change, cause they cannot stay the same.
12.
I was out walking late last night. I was blinded by the bright moonlight. And then it struck me that I was alone. I whispered to myself: “girl, you better get back home.” I wondered to myself: could I have lost my way? Somehow without my knowing, Night turned into Day. It was not the Moon I saw, no, it was not the one. Hanging in the wide blue sky was nothing but the Sun. It laughed and reminded me that I have got a job to do. I just can’t spend all day giving all my love to you. If that were the case, these dreams would surely fly..... Friends say the world will end before the year is out. That’s fine, I’m wondering what it’s really all about. No time for silly things: worry, sweat or tears. I’ve had time enough--all those wasted years. No time for silly things: my body or my soul. Some cosmic vortex will swallow me whole. Still I’d give the world and all its earthly charms For just one night, tangled in your arms. The Sun laughed and reminded me that I have got a job to do. I just can’t spend all day giving all my love to you. If that were the case, these dreams would surely fly.....

about

(New) Years revisits ellen cherry's 2005 release, Years, a concept album derived from inhabiting the mind of a woman during a certain period of history.

With the help of Michael Prout on lead guitar (and snare on 1933 To California), Andrew McCallum on bass, and a special appearance by Elijah Wirth on tuba on 1893 A Girl at the World's Fair, ellen cherry breathes a new life into these tracks as well as adds some never-before-recorded songs to round out the (New) Years album.

For a fun history assignment, check out store.ellencherry.com/album/years. Years is the album that inspired (New) Years.

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released December 31, 2010

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ellen cherry Baltimore, Maryland

I am song & story Alchemist and I want to meet you at the intersection of creativity and recovery. While on tour in Texas, I was struck by an intoxicated driver which resulted in a violent wreck. Through my music and multi-media performances, I explore the pain and joy of recovering one’s body and spirit after extreme trauma. ... more

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